:: my first, last and only.. ::

my first, last and only moment with my late third son, Abdullah Amin Fahmi bin Ahmad Rizal

:: it has been a week ::

it has been a week, since the day amin passed away.. alhamdulillah, i've managed to collect myself to one solid piece and manage the loss though at times i still miss him and could feel his skin on my cheek..

we now appreciate afiq and adib more than we ever did.. it's not that we don't love them before, but it teaches us to value them more.. this thing could happened to anyon, that is one leson that i've learned from this tragedy.. ajal dan maut itu PASTI.. itu perjanjian kita dengan Allah di Loh Mahfuz lagi..

knowing that Amin is definitely in Jannah makes me feel better.. itulah investment aku and hubby kat dunia nih, insya Allah.. his passing has made me and hubby realize hat we have not done much yet for our preparation to meet Allah.. our solat, our ibadah.. rasanya masih tak cukup.. sudahlah tak cukup, tak sempurna pulak..

afiq and adib is coping well.. but durng the early days, i believe afiq is kinda 'affected'.. he will kiss amin's pyjama (the one and only pyjama that he wore) everyday.. he'll wake up in the wee hours somewhere near the time when the dr pronounced amin's death, crying.. but now, he's getting better.. and i have to be even stronger for i know that i still have two little adorable boys to look after..

i now, look at the future in a different way.. i now realized that we could plan 1001 beautiful things, but Allah will decide what is best for us.. i pray and i hope that one day, Allah will give me a better replacement than amin so that it could dull the sorrow a bit..

btw, we're hosting a majlis tahlil for arwah amin on the 21st december (sunday) after maghrib at surau Attarbiyyah (jalan I, taman melawati).. i'm inviting all my muslim friends untuk sama² menjayakan majlis tahlil ni..

before i end this entry, i'd like to thank all my blog readers, my lovely friends and colleagues for all kind words, doa, prayers and well wishes that u have conveyed.. some even call from accross the sea (ayin) to convey the condolences.. thank you so much! it has helped me to wade through the storms.. only Allah can repay your thought and kindness..

alfathihah untuk arwah Amin.. mommy rindu amin..

:: 38 minggu 5 hari nan indah ::

it all started when we had our lunch in tanglin, near Dayabumi.. i only had laksa penang while hubby had ikan pari bakar.. on the way back, the smell of 'hanyir' ikan hit my nose, and i started to feel dizzy.. it triggered me somehow.. 'could i be pregnant?' since i've missed my mensus.. which i thought was normal since i just had my c-sect and my mensus are in chaos..

i later hit the pharmacy and grabbed a test kit.. early next morning, i ran the test, and YEAP! two lines appeared.. we were overjoyed as we knew how hard it was for me to conceive normally.. i later went to clinic, and on 22nd april 2008, it was confirmed that i was 6 weeks pregnant..

i went through all ANC as per scheduled, and pregnancy seemed to be smooth and ok.. i didn't suffer severe morning sickness, and mengidam pun tak lah teruk mana.. almost all my mengidam, hubby tolong dapatkan.. except the very final one.. which we tak sempat nak dapatkan..

after weeks of prgnancy, i finally went for the last check up on 10th of december 2008.. the ultrasound, the scan, the heartbeat was fine.. and in fact the dr confirmed that i could deliver normally.. i'm so happy, and yes, i can't wait for my boy to b in my arm..

the normal day of 10th december.. we went for medical check up, and later settled my road tax and shopped for food for the two boys.. grabbed some fruits from our favourite stall in front of deen's restaurant.. later head to carrefour for normal grocery shopping.. before we headed home, i bought some prosperity burger for m and hubby as dinner of the day..

we were pretty exhausted, that we decided to ehad home in andaman ukay pretty early that night, just to find that our house was in the dark, as the electricity was cut off.. we were too tired to think that we decided to return back to my mom's and slept there..

both me and hubby had an early night.. but as the clock strucked midnight, my night became restless.. i started to feel the contraction.. till it came in 10 mins apart that i was sure i'm in labour, we headed to the hospital.. pretty excited and nervous i was.. 'i'm delivering, finally!'

arrived at the hospital at around 2.30am.. as usual, the nurses did the normal check up.. the opening was only 2cm.. and i still have no sign of bleeding nor water leakage.. but the nurses found it hard to locate my baby's heartbeat.. they decided to call the dr in, for further investigation..

the dr came in, and i was wheeled to the dr's room for ultrasound.. and out of sudden, the dr said, 'unbelievable!' i was pretty vain to interprete the dr's words.. until the dr finally typed 'no fetal heart activities' on the screen, that the fact finally sank in into mine and hubby's mind that we have loss our unborn son.. the dr pulled hubby aside and started to explained.. and i was left there, crying my heart.. 'how could this happened??'

i still have to go through the normal labour.. i still habe to deliver my baby.. but my baby is now soul-less.. i can't describe how empty my feeling.. yes, i mmg jadik macam orang sasau that day.. crying and shouting, hoping for miracle to happen, that finally my baby will wake up and cries.. but it never happened..

i was given epidural to help me manage the pain.. i delivered one of the most handsome boy i have ever seen in my life at 12.20noon, normally..but i can't keep my tears from bursting when i first saw my baby - all blue.. lying motionless.. i will never forget that sight, that moment for the rest of my life..

we named him abdullah amin fahmi.. amin was later being cleaned up by the nurses.. he wore the pyjama that hubby bought in UK, specially for him.. we wrapped him with the new white thermal blanket that i bought for him.. he was then being placed in my arms, for the first time.. i can't helped it.. i cried my heart out.. hubby shed his tears.. our bundle of joy sudah dipanggil menghadap Ilahi..

he looks like afiq very much.. he got afiq's nose, mouth, face shape.. but he got adib's hair.. his fingers are slim and long.. and he's pretty fair.. he's one tall guy, measuring 51 cm top to toe..

the precious 30 mins with him, can never be erased from my memory.. should this be a dream, i wanted to wake up as fast as possible to end this nightmare.. but no, this is teh reality that my hubby and i have to face.. he was then being brought to my mom's place for burial.. i was left alone in the labour room, weeping.. i pray to Allah to give me the strength to face this dugaan.. i pray to Allah, to give me a replacement better than Amin after this..

he is buried at Tanah Perkuburan Islam Klang Gate before Asar on 11th December 2008.. my hubby said, it was heartbreaking for him to put Amin dalam liang lahad sendiri.. it was heartbreaking to see amin for the last time that moment..

yes, Amin has left us, with 1001 memories.. i still remember his kicks in my tummy.. i'll still remember the short joy he brings to this small family of mine.. kami redha dengan pemergian Amin.. kami tahu ada malaikat yang sedang menjaga Amin.. kami tahu, amin sedang berada di tempat yang jauh lebih baik dari dakapan kami.. amin tidak sempat merasa setitik pun air susu mommy.. tapi tak apa.. mommy yakin, amin sekarang dilayan jauh lebih baik dari jagaan mommy.. mommy harap dan mommy doa, amin akan tunggu mommy & daddy di depan pintu syurga untuk sama² pimpin kami ke syurga..

mommy rindu amin, itu pasti.. tapi mommy kena tabah, sbb mommy masih ada urusan di dunia ini..

alfatihah.. untuk anak mommy sayang - abdullah amin fahmi bin ahmad rizal..

:: unhappy ::

i'm not happy with things that are happening around me at the moment and yet i couldn't find ways to let it out from my system.. writing has always been a therapy.. but not in this case.. just could n't simply jot things up in this blog of mine, as it is read by readers who most of them know me personally.. i agree with cuz, linie, sometimes, i'm in stuck deep down in a dilemma trench, of being 'blunt' in my entries..

i've talked to him (read : not hubby) that i'm not agreable to certain things that are taking place.. yeap, there were changes at first, but it only last for about a year.. and things are recurring back, in fact i feel it becomes worst, and i ended up feeling very uncomfortable in my supposed 'comfortest' (if there is such word) zone.. i believe this is not due to my preggy hormone syndrome or whatsoever, as it has been bugging me for quite sometimes.. i'm afraid of losing my patience and finally return to the old me, being extreme sarcastic and hurt people's feeling..

i just don't know how to relay my message anymore.. should i ignore it, or shall i live with it, or shall i do something about it?

anyway, i'll be having my A&C tomorrow, and most probably the dr will decide baby tu ikut sliding door ke ikut tingkap.. i peeped to my MRI report.. it seems that the opening is wide enough.. it all now depends on the baby.. ya Allah, kurniakanlah yang terbaik untuk diriku dan anakku.. amin..

ps : i haven't come up with a name yet!

:: landslide @ bukit antarabangsa ::

it's a gloomy day indeed.. i woke up at around 4 or 5 in the morning just to realize that the electricity was out.. i thought it was a normal disruption.. can't stand the heat anymore, i requested hubby to call TNB to inform about the disruption.. upon reaching TNB thru call, we were informed that the electricity was cut due to the massive landside that took place in bukit antarabangsa, near my house..

we could here the sound of siren, the helis, etc.. it's not anice thing to hear early in the morning.. at half past seven, we then make a move to my mom's since the boys dah mula mengamuk sbb panas and feeling very uncomfortable..

i managed to log in to the net to surf and find out what has happened really.. it's pretty bad.. it touches me when i read about a father who just visited his son yesterday has lost his daughter in law and his grandchild in the tragedy.. his son is still missing.. kesian kan?

my doa - semoga mereka yang masih terperangkap tuh dapat ditemui dengan selamat.. amin..

:: not in labour, yet ::

i know.. i know.. i have been in silent mode past days.. neither that i've delivered nor i'm in labour.. it's just that i couldn't find the time and energy to put up any entries.. yeah.. stamina is degrading and tummy is growing.. great combo!

as planned, on monday, i headed to the curve to get the carseats for my two boys.. 3rd is coming up, and we're short of hands to hold them anymore (plus rear seatbelts rule will be in in january.. so better start now)hopefully, i could tame the boys to sit quietly and nicely in the carseats.. (i had tough time in oz.. ha, the boys really cried their heart loud!) btw, had my first trial @ the marche, and i like it so much.. food was great, ambience - different.. best.. (sempat jek dating ngan hubby gitu!) hehe..

outcome of monday - extreme fatigue.. tuesday lambat gila bangun.. terus jek decide EL.. :D

wednesday and thursday, i'm on my medical leave.. wednesday ada A&C.. at first dr kata, 'owh, great! the head is down!' (read : means, boleh la bersalin normal, or shall i say i could finally meneran like sheri mentioned!)' tapi tak sampai 5 minit.. 'aiyak.. kepala dia dah kat tepi la pulak'.. boleh tahan aktif sorang nih! so the dr last² cakap, he'll be giving me one more week to see how things go, before deciding.. he requested me to undergo MRI, so that he could assess whether i'm a good candidate for normal birth atau tidak.. so.. i still have to wait till next week..

so hari nih dah pun jumaat.. i'm marking my 38 weeks of pregnancy.. blooming mommy - that's me now.. bloated everywehere.. water retention dah mula start.. it's a sign of labour.. anytime soon.. so readers, please pray for me.. doakan semoga saya n baby selamat dalam proses kelahiran.. amin!

ps : btw - adib dah pandai cakap 'car'! hehe..

:: happy weekend ::

so, the new ride has finally arrived home safely.. afiq and adib were so excited.. alhamdulillah, syukur to Allah the AlMighty for giving us the rezeki to afford a lil' comfort to our lil ones..

i had a great weekend with my other half and the boys during the weekend.. well spent, shall i say..

:: saturday ::
after some essential shopping - cereals, car kits, groceries, biscuits @ carrefour, wangsa maju, we head to ikea with the boys.. my SIL tagged along with her daughter atiqah sofiah.. brought her along to distract her from following her daddy who's heading back to jb for a week..

the boys enjoyed themselves so much.. alhamdulillah, we managed to keep them to sit still in the stroller, despite some protests here and there.. we dropped by at anakku outlet to check out the car seats.. let the boys to amuse themselves at a small playground provided by the shop.. outcome : great laugh and they fell asleep, and sleep all the way long from ikea to MIL's place..

it has been a while since we last visited the curve.. i caught a glimpse of new cafes - bondi grilled steak cafe kalau tak salah.. told hubby, 'hey, kena maakn nih kat sini' (bondi - famous beach kat syd.. banyak pisang salai (if u get what i mean) during summer..

:D

:: sunday ::
spent the morning at home.. had brekkie with the boys.. (i'm too lazy to mix some pancake batter or whatever).. we just had simple roti bakar laden with butter and kaya.. lunch was even simpler.. masak lemak kobis, with telur sambal and asparagus goreng.. afiq hates cabbage so much, that he refuse to eat it, but adib loves cabbage.. (pening gak kan..) 2-2 tamau makan nasi.. makan lauk saje.. my maid bising.. dia cakap, 'kalau mommy nyer ada, mmg macam ini.. tapi kalau mommy nyer takde, makan saje..' haha.. betul la kot..

anyway, petang tuh, we (again) brought the boys out.. we have to, as after this, i'll be in my confinement period, plus i know some ancient petua says that if u're approaching your final weeks of preganncy, kena banyak² jalan to ease the process of delivery.. (crossing my fingers..)

we at first, decided to go to midvalley.. but then, after looking at the queue nak masuk, terus cancel.. buat u-turn 360 degrees and head to pavillion.. was preety hungry when we arrived there.. so i (haha, i yang pilih not hubby sbb melayan tekak i la) chose to have simple tea @ the pancake international house - grabbing the basic pancakes and waffles.. (two in one purposes - for the adults and the toddlers as well..) read : using the word toddlers make me feel they are so grown up!

later at night, had dinner at MIL's place.. (read - it has been like these for the past weeks, and my dapur even ran out of bawang kecik sbb tak masak punya hal.. ) :D only went back after the boys dah tido, since my other half pun tak berapa sihat..(tapi sihat la plak tgk man u lawan man c.. pelik betul.. )

btw, my younger bro got engaged yesterday.. but we didn't attend the majlis anyway, sbb jauh + due to my condition.. congrates anyway..

what else, owh, BFF's birthday today.. SALHANA ISMAIL.. happy birthday mek na! semoga dimurahkan rezeki + panjang umur.. semepna birthday BFF nih, aku nak wish diri aku gak "JANGAN BERSALIN ARI NIH! TAKUT KENAN PERANGAI SAL!" hehe.. no offense yeah? lap u!

okay all, take care.. mmuah!

ps : dear hubby, marche this evening?