:: pengemis ::

aku tidak pernah meminta darimu,
segunung intan dan emas,
untuk melingkari tubuh.

aku tidak pernah meminta darimu,
seribu satu kemewahan,
untuk selesa dengan hidup.

aku tidak pernah meminta darimu,
walau seurat sutera,
untuk memperindah lenggang dan lenggokku.

aku hanya mengemis sedikit kasih,
aku hanya menganyam harapan bahagia,
aku hanya memohon secebis senyum,
aku hanya mengimpikan seindah waktu.

tapi mungkin,
yang diimpi tak tergapai dek tangan,
tak tercapai dek hidup.

mungkin benar kata teman,
pelangi akan terbit,
jika kita gembira dengan gerimis,
tanpa mengharap hujan yang menderu.

sedarlah wahai diri,
kita hanyalah seorang pengemis,
di pesisir hidup ini.

:: pregnancy update at 34 weeks ::

officially a 34 weeker pregnant lady. at least another 2 weeks to go before hitting full term.

last few months, my gynae referred me to a physioterapist after i complained on pain at my hips when it involves movement. after few session and exercise, i manage to get over it and gets better.

and after that, malas took its role, that i stopped the exercise and pretty mch act like a non pregnant woman. naik turun tangga, angkat barang, dukung anak while travelling and lotsa walking around. ha, skarang nih padan muka.. sakit gila hokay! tu la, aunty jiran tuh dah cakap don't dukung anak, aku degil..

sakit tuh is at around pubic bone area. last check up, i relate it to the dr and informed her that i could even hear tulang tuh berbunyi-bunyi especially when i tossed around in bed and tried to wake up from lying down position. dr had a check and said dah swolen.. and she can even feel the tulang is moving. and that explained the pain. dia cakap things will get worst, and next would be sakit belakang, which aku dah mula rasa. she said, i shall walk like a penguin, which i really did to balance out my body weight as the bone dah tak stable.

so she advised me to have some ice packs and tuam la kunun2 utk kurangkan bengkak. patutnya dah kena pakai pregnancy belt to support my tummy, but since sakit tuh cuma masa baring and i pun dah nak masuk final trimester, i rasa tak perlu. so i religiously for the past 2 days pakai ice packs and syukur it has shown some improvement.

dr cakap, this may be the effects of previous twin pregnancy and c-sect. pubic bone tak close properly due to heaviness. tu la pengorbanan kecil wanita yang bergelar ibu, yang takkan mungkin lelaki rasa kan? alangkah untungnya wanita dan ruginya lelaki yang tidak tahu menghargai isteri yang mengandung. :D

cakap pasal takut nak bersalin nih, aku rasa semua org perempuan macam tuh. tak sabar nak bersalin tapi takut nak bersalin pastuh nak cepat habis pantang bagi yang betul2 ikut pantang larang tradisional. aku kalau time bersalin, paling fobia masa nurse nak check opening. adoiiiiiiii. can't they think of something else that's less painful? aku rela kena cucuk bagai, but not that one. seriously.

aku doa sangat proses mengandung dan bersalin aku kali ni dipermudahkan. aku rasa aku ni dah banyak sangat susahkan orang. sampaikan aku fikir, kalaulah masa aku nak terberanak tuh aku sengsorang kat umah with no one who can drive to send me to hospital, aku harap sangat aku diberi kekuatan utk boleh drive safely and calmly without causing chaos to anyone. seriously! sebab aku dah banyak kali kena 'sound' selalu menyusahkan orang.

err, anyway, today baby kurang aktif sket gerak, but so far count cukup. so i shall continue tp monitor its movement. dah pregnant 3 kali baru tau and faham cemana nak monitor fetal movement. first time preggy tak sempat buat, babies dah nak kuar tgk dunia awal. second time i memang tatau sebab dr tak cakap, and third time after being told by my friend who was at that time carrying her first child. :D jangan ingat org dah mengandung banyak kali tuh dah cukup ilmu di dada...... ;)

okayla peeps. it's extremely late already. want to catch my night sleep.

ps - current weight : 64.9kg additional 0.5 kg in 2 weeks time. total weight gained up to date - 13.9kg. agak sikit berbanding previous pregnancy which recorded a total of plus minus 20kgs!

:: killing time ::

hoihhhhhhh.. sangapnye kena memerap kat rumah for 2 weeks, and it will continue for the next three weeks.. dah habis kering kontang idea apa nak buat kat rumah nih. nak buat housework tak boleh.. nak pegi shopping - RESTRICTED. nak pegi jejalan tak boleh drive. the 'outest' world that i could get is my homebound journey - melawati to ampang, twice a day - bosan hokay! nd dibosankan lagi dengan sang suami yang tak penah balik awal for teh past two weeks and daku dah berhenti mengharap bila dia nak balik awal. paling awal sampai umah pun 6.40pm. bayangkan seharian kat rumah with nothing to do, i can seriously go mad and insane!

today, i kill my time wth sleeping. yeah you read me right! SLEEPING. laptop on tapi gua terbongkang. lepas tuh, zohor then bersihkan the kids. when i say bersihkan, it involves earwaxing, lpeas tuh potong kuku. since kuku dah potongkan semalam, hari nih tinggal telinga saje. kalau masa babies dulu, i also did their hair trimming, tapi bila dah besar nih, hantar kedai saje.

i've packed up my labour bag, 90% siap. tinggal a few books and receiving blankie jek nak masukkan. apa lagik? owh, i still have one more thing in my to do list which is to sort out my kids' punya baju. i'm done with theirs untuk babies and 1 yr plus clothing, and we ended up with many, many bags! imagine everything times two, from mittens to booties to caps to shirts to tshirts, etc and i'm thinking to hand it over to others.

toys pun dah siap sort out. those 'babies' toys dah diasingkan, tinggal the one yang current sajek. i've to do that in order to know what is in hand and to avoid wastage.

novels pun ak dah tak larat nak baca. tv mmg bukan my interest. so please readers, any suggestion on how to kill time? :P

ps - owh, i so look forward for my next appointment with the dr. as that's the only time i can really enjoy 'fresh air' outside.. heh. and i miss my baking tremendously.

:: gundah di hati siapa yang tahu ::

the nearer it gets, the more unstable i become.

that's a simple statement reflecting how i feel inside me now.

i feel so alone. frankly speaking. i don't know how to communicate my fear. and i don't know to whom shall i share my fear. i know my parents try not to talk about it. mungkin tak nak aku pikir sangat, while OH is so busy with work that i could hardly find time to talk with him. hence blogging is my way.

i am now entering 34 weeks of pregnancy, and has been put on medical leave due to preavia type 2.this is my first time experience ever despite being pregnant 3 times already. so far, none pregnancy of mine is similar. each individual experience is unique, hence making me like a first time mother everytime i go through my pregnancy period.

so far, the baby is doing fine. he's a little small, and dr said that i may be prone to get small babies, based on my previous pregnancy history. yesterday's weight gain alarmed me a little bit. i only gain 0.5kg within 2 weeks and i'm not sure whether that's good or bad. but the dr said it's fine.

having going through a stillbirth delivery before really haunts me. it has never been easy. yang mampu aku buat sekarang, banyakkan mengaji dan doa agar hati jadi tenang dan dipermudah serta selamat semuanya. sometimes, aku rasa aku nih cam kena gie trauma counselling. sounds paranoid kan?

again dear readers, doakanla saya dan anak dalam kandungan selamat.

dear risau, please go away........

ps - semalam afiq tanya mommy, "mommy, baby keluar ikut mana?" he's two years and 7 mons old btw. his Q makes me smile. :D

:: risau ::

2 posts in a day. hebat. :D

just came back from A&C. alhamdulillah, doc said maybe boleh try normal, as plasenta didn't cover up the opening. syukur.

tapi i masih gundah gulana. still traumatised by previous experience. i believe semua yang pernah lalu pengalaman yang sama akan rasa benda yang sama. hopefully, semuanya selamat dan dipermudahkan.

anyway, dr extend MC lagi. :D elok gak tuh sebab dah selalu sakit2 n tak larat. sahih kalau gi keje lebih menyusahkan org dari menyenangkan.

doakanla saya dan baby selamat yea dear readers. i betul2 risau.

:: keluarga hari ini ::

of late, kita banyak dengar cerita pasal pasangan suami isteri bercerai. and yesterday, i came accross an interview with a marriage counselor yang menyatakan banyak pasangan bercerai disebabkan oleh isu remeh, i.e. ketidakfahaman sesama pasangan mengenai kerjaya, pasangan tak beli makanan, etc.

isu itu memang remeh. tapi pada pandangan peribadi aku la, setiap isu remeh itu tetap isu, yang kalau berlanjutan memang boleh jadi parah. accumulated residue can form an island. itu perumpamaan mudah. sikit demi sikit isu remeh ini terkumpul, lama-lama pasangan yang tidak berpuas hati mungkin merasakan dirinya tidak penting lagi, lantas mencari jalan keluar, mencari sinar bahagia di tempat lain. apatah lagi, kalau pasangan yang tidak berpuas hati tu dah banyak menabur bakti dan jasa kepada keluarga.

saranan kaunselor tuh, kembali ke tunas agama. pegang dengan teguh peranan masing-masing sebagai suami dan isteri agar tidak tergugat institusi kekeluargaan. tunas agama tidakkan luput dek zaman, lantas alasan-alasan seperti kesibukan kerjaya tidak wajar dijadikan alas dalam setiap pertelingkahan.

apsal tetiba aku blog pasal benda macam gini? this is my concern dengan institusi keluarga sekarang. kalau ini perkara-perkara remeh macam gini tidak dipandang serius oleh masyarakat, in the future, macamana la agaknya?

sekarang, setiap pasangan berkahwin diwajibkan untuk menghadiri kursus pra-perkahwinan. bakal pengantin dicurah dengan 1001 ilmu dan asas kekeluargaan. perhaps, silibus juga perlu dicheck semula. maybe perlu masukkan satu topik khas on 'how to communicate?'. sekurang-kurangnya boleh jadi panduan kepada pasangan dalam mengemudi rumahtangga.

Allah dah jadikan lelaki sebagai pemimpin dan wanita sebagai yang dipimpin. lelaki harus tegas tapi lembut dalam berbicara. ibarat menarik tepung, tidak bertabur. wanita dijadikan olehNya bersifat lembut tetapi cekal menghadapi dunia.

wallahu'alam.

:: semakin tak larat ::

will be having my A&C tomorrow, and insya Allah will know whether i'll be back to work or terus cuti sampai deliver. but looking at my history, i rase la, cuti sampai deliver. weewo.

so far the bleed has stopped. but, i'm now pretty huge, that i find it hard to move around. i have free myself from cooking, housechores, carrying kids, driving, name it. ala2 princess. hekhek. well, dah arahan kan, mak ikut jek lerr.

kids are not around. diorang gie 'pow' atok die beli 'scrambler'. masak la atok dia. kalau beli, bukannya boleh beli sebijik. sah2 kena angkat 2. penangan cucu. kalau ngan anak dulu, mintak maap okay! boleh kira berapa kali abah beli toy! (and i only have 1 barbie throughout my childhood kalau tak silap!)

as said in my previous post, aku dah mula rasa simptom-simpton nesting. nesting symptoms mmg selalu datang bila aku nak deliver. rajin berkemas la, etc. and yes, aku dah berjaya clearkan toys anak2 aku yang dah rosak plus their old clothing (dengan bantuan, of course!). guess, after check up esok, i can know basically when to start to pack my labour bag.

actually, hajat hati nak buat biskut. (ada hajat lagi tuh!) kalau beli tak puas makan. tapi oven kecik sangat, so aku malas nak bakar ber'batch'2. i was thinking that i can still bancuh while sitting, and get someone else to bake it for me. hari tuh OH promise to buy the bigger oven, but i wanted him to simpan that cash for some other intended use at the end of the year.

okay la peeps. take good care. salam!