Amin : 4 tahun

Hari ni, genap 4 tahun arwah Amin kembali ke Penciptanya.

Pasti Amin sedang bahagia ditemani bidadari syurga. Semoga dia menjadi pemberat amal kami berdua di hari timbangan kelak.

Alfatihah..

ps - Hari ini saya lalui dengan cukup tenang. Insya Allah. Tidak seperti tahun yang pertama dahulu. Sampai kena tegur dengan opismate.

Cuma malam tido, agak sukar untuk melelapkan mata. Mungkin trauma itu masih berbaki. Mendoakan baby dalam perut ini baik-baik sahaja.

Kenangan 4 tahun lalu menjengah kembali

Mungkinkah ini peringatan dari Allah?

Semalam, was my usual CTG monitoring check up. It was my third in a week.

Seperti biasa, lenggang kangkung pergi labour room, and get myself checked. Husband was not around, hantar kereta gi cuci.. kotor sangat..

and guess who i met?

The nurse who consoled me and remind me to be patient, to accept the fact that my late Amin has returned to Allah. Subhanallah. and perkara nih jadi 2 days short from 4 tahun kembalinya Amin ke Ilahi.

Terima kasih ya Allah kerana memberi kesempatan kepada diri ini untuk mengucapkan terima kasih kepada nurse tu, walaupun dia bukan Islam.

Semoga kelahiran kali ini dipermudahkan dan selamat sempurna semuanya.

Amin..

Amin Fahmi

<< Sesi Luahan Perasaan >>

sometimes, when people asked me, nih anak no. berapa.. i'd answer 5.

sometimes, when i'm not ready to explain, i'll answer 4.

but it hurt most, when they know it should be 5, and they'll say.. kiranya nak masuk 4 saje la..

i delivered the handsome baby, Abdullah Amin Fahmi 4 years ago - full term, but fresh still birth. He's still my son, though he's not around, and he still add the count to the number of children i have. He didn't come out of no where. I carried him for 38 weeks and 5 days, just as a reminder. A full term baby, with no pre-diagnosed problem. A smooth sailing pregnancy.

So, please spare the sentence "kiranya 4 je la" to yourself.

You will never know and never understand, how hard it was to regain strength after the loss, until you experience it yourself.. not that i pray that you'll experience it one day though. Would very much appreciate if you could offer some doa instead.. "semoga amin menjadi pemberat amal kedua ibu bapanya di akhirat kelak"

Dia masih anak saya, dan anak saya nak masuk 5.

mode : bertakung ayaq mata.. 4 years in memory (Lahir dan kembali pada 11 Disember 2008)

Three Years Old Memory

3 years ago, this date, i felt so down. rasa macam terawang-awang, kaki tak pijak lantai. itulah hakikatnya. tidak pernah terbayang, tidak pernah menjangka akan kehilangan permata hati dalam keadaan penuh tidak sedia.

yes, masa tu hati asyik menangis. rasa sedih. padahal, itu semua pinjaman Allah semata-mata. tiada hak di dalam diri saya mempersoalkan kembalinya amin kepada PenciptaNya. bertuahlah puteraku yang ketiga, saat diri masih suci dari dosa dan noda telah dipanggil untuk kembali ke PenciptaNya dan terus menghuni syurga, insya Allah.

tahun lalu, tarikh ini berlalu dengan tenang. alhamdulillah tahun ini pun serupa. tidak lagi menitik airmata. syukur kepadaMu ya Allah atas kekuatan ini. dalam hati masih ada rindu. semoga rindu itu terubat jua di alam lain.

pemergian amin banyak menyedarkan saya. kematian itu pasti cuma masanya entah bila. life is too short to be wasted.

tenanglah kamu Abdullah Amin Fahmi bersama bidadari syurga. Jadilah kamu pemberat amalan mommy & daddy agar kita sekeluarga bersatu di Jannah nanti.

he would turn 3 yesterday if he made it. he looks like afiq a lot and pretty much, he's one tall boy. takkan mommy lupa details mu amin, tho it was a brief 30 minutes with you in the labour room, before daddy bawak amin balik ke rumah untuk melangsaikan tanggungjawabnya yang pertama dan akhir untuk amin.

alfatihah for my dearest boy, amin fahmi. named after husband's 2 office colleague yang dia dok selalu cerita masa kerja untuk projek turkmen dulu - saffuan amin & anwar fahmi.

:: a week to go.. he'll be one.. ::

i was dumb struck by his statement yesterday. it's okay. i'll swallow it hard and make sure that my mind always to work to remember the point he deliberated briefly yesterday night. high expectations make you fall harder. so, don't just push yourself to high potential energy that will make you crash hard.

anyway, a week to go, and my late Amin will be 1 year old in memory. as i'm writing this, my tears dwell, as i can't deny, i still imagine how he would be whenever i saw other kids of that age. i miss him dearly, i admit, that sometimes, this pregnancy makes me feel so paranoid over simple things. i just hope that this time round, everything will be safe and sound. i can't bear going through such experience again. (please calm sha.. please!)

i'm now in my 21 weeks of pregnancy. tummy has started to show, that i can't wear my kurungs anymore. have changed to maternity wear.i have started to feel the baby's movement. this time round, the baby moves lesser compared to late Amin.

okay la peeps. enough tears have been shed. i don't want to be caught by anyone crying at this moment. take care. bye

:: lamanya tak berblogging ::

it has been a while since i last put up an entry in this blog. apa lagi, blog masak² aku. extremely busy with work life, that i didn't had time to scribble anything here. kerja sampai midnight, adeh. nasib baik la dah settle down sikit and in fact, today keja sangkut atas sebab² teknikal. (fuh, ayat..)

anyway, i had a long weekend. yeay! tak plan pun sebenarnya nak lajakkan cuti sampai monday, tapi due to heavy traffic masa return back from mersing (wedding sedara mara), i decided to call the day off. sungguh tak larat nak bukak mata!

pejam celik, pejam celik, dah sampai ke hujung tahun. kejap jek rasa. and hati tuh mula la rasa sayu. dah nak dekat setahun dah arwah anakanda amin bersemadi. sampai sekarang, masih terasa lagi trauma. harap sangat kali nih, everything will go well and smooth. tambah pulak sejak 3-4 minggu nih asyik mimpi yang menakutkan jek. harapnya bukan petanda sesuatu yang buruk akan berlaku.

weight gain kali nih pun dr kata very satisfying. tak overweight macam selalu. except once, lepas raya i gained 2 kgs. yang lain only a kg more or less a month.

okay la, layan la gambar senyum kambing afiq dan senyum macho adib this time. take care!

:: genap 6 bulan amin pergi ::

ya Allah,
aku bersyukur kepadaMu ya Allah,
atas setiap kesempatan yang diberi,
atas setiap nikmat yang Kau limpahkan,
sepanjang usia kandungan amin fahmi.

ya Allah,
aku redha dengan setiap satu ketentuanMu ya Allah,
aku redhakan pemergian amin ya Allah,
kerana aku hambaMu ya Allah,
dan aku yakin padaMu ya Allah,
Kau Maha Mengetahui segala.

ya Allah,
andai terbit rasa rindu di hati ini ya Allah,
titipkanlah kekuatan dalam diriku ya Allah,
agar tidak aku terpesong dengan hasutan syaitan ya Allah.

ya Allah,
titipkanlah ganti yang lebih baik dari amin ya Allah,
limpahilah diriku dan keluargaku dengan rahmatmu ya Allah,
lindungilah kami dengan kasihMu ya Allah,
sesungguhnya Kau Maha Pengasih lagi Maha Penyayang.

ya Allah,
temukanlah kembali diriku yang hina ini,
dengan anak²ku dan suamiku kembali di syurga ya Allah,
selamatkanlah langkahku ketika melalui titian sirat ya Allah.

amin..

dear readers,

6 months ago, he was born to this world ~ soulless. i would feed him with his first solid food today, if he made it to this world.

al-fatihah buat abdullah amin fahmi bin ahmad rizal. doa mommy, semoga amin menjadi pemberat amal mommy dan daddy di hari hisab kelak.

:: Ku Mohon Kekuatan dan Kecekalan Hati ::

hati diamuk sayu.

dada diasak sebak.

jiwa diruntun rindu.

Ya Allah, Ya Rahim,

ku pohon keampunan-Mu Ya Rabbi,

berikanlah ku setinggi kekuatan dan kecekalan hati.

aku terlalu rindu pada amin fahmi.

amin

ps - sangat rindu.......

:: amin fahmiku sayang.. ::

today is his 100th day of passing.

semoga Allah sentiasa memelihara anak mommy, amin di alam barzakh. semoga Allah mempertemukan kembali mommy, daddy, afiq and adib dengan amin di syurga.

mommy telah lama redha dengan pemergian amin. kerana telah ditentukan oleh Allah, itulah yang terbaik untuk amin. memang semasa mengandung, itulah yang mommy doakan. berikan yang terbaik..... dan yang terbaik untuk amin - kembali kepada Pencipta kita.

alhamdulillah, pusara amin dah pun daddy sempurnakan. walaupun itu semua lahiriah semata², tapi itulah tanda kasih mommy and daddy kepada amin selain kiriman fatihah, yassin, tahlil dan kunjungan ke pusara amin setiap minggu selagi mampu.

alfatihah buat amin sayang. semoga bertemu lagi kita di syurga. semoga amin menjadi pemberat kepada amalan mommy dan daddy di hari hisab kelak. amin!

:: break kejap ::

am taking a break from lecture notes preppy. (though i constantly take a break) nope, i haven't change my profession yet, but this lecture notes is part of my 'menjalankan tugas dari masa ke semasa'. but last year aku masukkan jek dalam SKT (read~KPI). i'm supposed to deliver my lecture next month kat kelantan. my mom said that she wanted to follow me, so i have to check whether she's really serious about it. guess she wanted to get some stuff for my bro's upcoming wedding, scheduled in june.

smalam, adib pulak buat hal. mengigau ke hape ke, i pun tak tau. menangis gila² during the wee hours. fuh.. the verdict : mommy tak sedar pagi tadi for sahur. (i was planning to fast today) terpaksa la cancel puasa. huhu. i can't remember what's the return period (ARI - nama pun engineer) for this mengigau thingy. hm. i just hope that they'll overcome this problem fast. kesian tengok.

esok, kalau tak salah kiraan aku la, is amin's 100th day of passing. lately both me and hubby sangat² teringatkan arwah, that sometimes, ..... terbayang muka dia masa tengah solat. TOH kata dia teringat the moment dia pangku amin for mandi jenazah. sangat lembut bila imam mandikan dia. mommy sudah redha dengan pemergian amin. i feel sangat puas hati sebab kubur amin dah kami sempurnakan. alhamdulillah. and yesterday, i surf around the net to look for some info on stillbirth, and yeah, dia kata pretty much dr susah nak determine the causes. ada satu kes mat saleh nih aku baca, dia tetiba rasa anak dia tak gerak. bila dia gie hospital, dr kata dah takde. bila (aku rasa dia buat post-mortem kot) dr check the reasons, anak dia ada banyak health problem. hole in the heart, bla,bla. and she said that she know that should her son made it, he might have to live poorly looking at his health condition. Maha Suci Allah, Allah Maha Besar, Dia lebih tahu apa yang terbaik untuk semua hamba-Nya.

dr dah bagi tau i, should i get preggy again, my A&C is gonna be different. i kena go through IUGR (tak surf lagi, nanti² ada masa carik apa ke mende nih), Group B Strep test, etc. tawakkal jek la.

okay la. nk sambung mengadap notes balik. da!

:: 200th post - a tribute to my late son, abdullah amin fahmi ::

3 months ago, this time, this date.. i was in the labour room, going through the labour process to deliver my third son, amin fahmi. (that was the initial name that we have think off, but i requested hubby to add abdullah later because he was the selected one.) but the delivery process is a special one, i'm delivering a stillborn baby, who passed away few hours short before his so called birthday.

it has never been easy to forget the tragedy. at times, i could just simply stare to the blank walls, replaying the memories with him. his sommersaults in my tummy, cravings that i had when carrying him, the labour room, the dr's room, the a&c. it's all beautiful moment with him.

during my pregnancy with him, i always think how am i going to cope with 3 kids. i always feel afraid that i might not be able to do my best, losing my patience, etc. but the day my other half took him from my arms in the labour room, after spending my only bonding session with him, i feel completely lost. i feel miserable, i feel lonely, i feel i actually haven't done my best to take care of him, when actually i should know that Allah has a better plan for him and me.

he brought a short joy to my life. i accidentally called afiq as amin, as he looks so much alike. i'll never forget the softness of his skin. his beautiful long fingers. he's one tall guy if he made it to this world.

i haven't finish packing his stuff that i've bought to receive him. they are all still in the 'labour bag' that i packed months ago before i deliver. the only thing that i've sealed in a clear plastic bag was his only pyjama that he wore the day he was born and passed away, his white thermal blanket, his long sleeve t-shirt that the other half bought in UK with 'little brother' on it, and passed down MU jerseys from his twin brothers.

i miss him every minute of my life. he's part of me. today, insya Allah, his pusara will be ready. we've bought the tree to be planted to his grave. i want it to be perfect for him.

i always pray to Allah to let me meet him back in jannah. i always pray to Allah, that all of us, me, hubby, and all my children will meet again in jannah, where we'll never be parted again.

i always pray to Allah to be given a better replacement of him. and i always pray to Allah that amin will be taken care of perfectly in alam barzakh. and i always pray to Allah, not to take any of my child anymore. that's my doa.

my weekend schedule has changed abruptly after his passing. visiting his grave every weekend in the morning is our priority. where we run away from his brothers for a while to spend some quiet quality time together reciting yassin at his grave. yes, i'm now a frequent visitor at tanah perkuburan klang gate. i made it a point as much as i can to use this route to and fro office, so that i could always peek at his grave. that helps me to manage my rindu.

i miss him dearly. i can never deny that. but knowing there are many other people who were tested more than me, makes me feel contented. i should bersyukur with what i have. i have to paint what i have well, so that they will also meet their brother in jannah.

for now, just let me immerse myself with the memories i have with my beloved amin.

:: random stuffs ::

sakit tekak la pulak! adeh..

well, i'll be having my post natal check up again tomorrow. dr nak investigate the reason why arwah amin's weight is retarded through the end of the pregnancy. he suspect that i might caught some infection along the way that has not been detected through scans and stuff. i just hope that i'll stay strong, because during my last post natal check up, i cried. sbbnya, i started to replay the moments with arwah. i'd be lying if i say that i don't miss him, and wonder how would it be like if he makes it to the world. only Allah knows. and i believe Allah has a better plan for all of us. i'm telling this to myself. i can't forever cry over the loss. i still have afiq and adib to look after! berikanlah aku kekuatan dan kesabaran ya Allah!

anyway, alhamdulillah, i manage to complete my ppt presentation yesterday. so hari nih pretty free, but i decide to look back after my lecture notes (yeah, i do deliver lectures, though once to three times a year. dah turned down one offer though sbbnya clash dengan family program. i think i might need to beef up my presentation. they pay me, so i've to makes sure i do my job.

my bags tak siap lagi pack. (we're going off somewhere with my in laws tomorrow, for a week). banyak lagi nak pack. tengah berkira² nak bawak ke dak portacot tuh. berat la. nak sewa too expensive. (bear in mind, i have to rent two!) bila calculate, cots sahaja (kalau rent) will cost me RM800.00. baik mak shopping weh!

okay la all. i want to look back at my notes. not much time pun ada today, sbb petang nanti ada technical talk. okay la kawan, take care!

:: penatnya smalam! ::

i had a very tiring sunday.

i started pretty early. cooked boys' lunch early in the morning, while me and hubby only had grilled cheese + mushroom sandwich for breakie. we later dropped the boys at mom's place and proceed to visit amin's grave.

after a short tahlil for amin, we head home. quickly changed my cloth and bring the boys to the zoo. afiq and adib enjoyed it though afiq dilanda symptom mengantuk. bought sunglassed yang murah (aa the mommy is so stingy!) for the boys. and the verdict? hehe. anak²ku melaram tak hengat. baru umur setahun setengah dah tau nak melaram okay..

after two hours in the zoo, we head home. the boys fell asleep in the car. penat sangat agaknya. me and hubby take the opprotunity to go out and look for new t's for mommy yang dah outgrown her clothes. (yeah, yeah.. ntah bilanya nak surut..) came back home just in time for zohor. after asar, my mom plak ajak keluar cari kain baju melayu for my bro's wedding in june. knowing that my boys will surelt throw tantrum kalau masuk kedai kain (i agakla..) my other half took them to my IL's house. balik umah just before maghrib.

uwaa.. letih gila!

after maghrib + dinner at mom's house, i head home. kemas baju sket (we're going somewhere), and i finally say to myself, i have to know when to stop. penat teramat² sampai susah nak lelap. at last hubby woke me up at 5.20am
and now i'm in office, flipping between my powerpoint presentation for meeting in langkawi (which i'm not attending due to earlier commitment. ruginya!) kena siap esok, and masih belambak tak siap! adeh. okay la, i have to'minimize' this page and get myself back to work.

hm.. i think i may need a shot of caffeine later.


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:: i miss you ::

i don't know how shall i express my feeling, but i miss my amin so much! he came to my dreams last two days, sleeping on my bed. i know he's no more there, but he just choose to sleep on my bed. what does that mean?

pernah terbau bau bunga melur yang wangi, sekali lalu, 3 times. first occasion kat kubur, i thought maybe ada pokok melur kat mana². 2nd, almost midnight at afiq's cot when i was busy sorting my cloth for course, and the most recent one, is dekat kem, masa i attend course. orang tua² kata, he pays a visit. is it true?

ya Allah, i so miss him so much, that my tears are dwelling! please give me the strength!

:: i'm just too serabut ::

sleepy head, i am. the one mug of caffeine doesn't help much.

adib decided to wake up extremely early. they are early risers but today, adib is extra early. 2.30 am - he's wide awake! all thanx to the early sleep yesterday. he slept at around 6pm, as the surrounding was too exciting for him to catch his afternoon nap. (read ~ we brought them to the opthalmologist yesterday to check on the squint. afiq and adib has slight squint on the right eyes. i'm concerned takut they develop lazy eyes problem.)

so poor mommy has to stay awake to accompany him through out the early hours. only manage to perform my isyak prayer at around 4 am, after waking hubby up to look after adib for a while. then continue to look after adib and he fell asleep for like an hour or so before he decided to tell me that the day has began.

but anyway, i enjoyed it despite being sleepy. he smiled at me, he kissed my cheek, melting away all the tiredness and hurts that i've got during the day. i feel so contented and blessed! rugikan manusia yang tidak tahu menghargai dunia anak kecil? they're sucha a pure bliss. every breath, every minute, every milisecond is so meaningful. it'll never return back. they grow up every single day, living you nothing but memories. but memories can't be carved if you're not emotionally intact with the kids. that's why i'm willing to sacrifice my time just to be with my two boys. i practically don't have minutes on my own. my 24-7 is dedicated to the boys. i know i have to set aside some time for myself, to do some exercise, facial etc. but i simply just can't fit that in my daily routine. i at my best, always try to do those things when the boys are asleep, so that i won't lose a second with them. that's how i arrange my time.

2 months of confinement leave has made me much closer to my twin boys. i've been starting to feel the dreadfulness feeling to return to work. how i wish i could work from home. but with all the recession thingy, i know it's not the time yet to quit. plus i love the feeling of being financially independent. it's not because i love money that much, but it's more of security should anything bad happen to my partner, be it death, separation or whatever. business from home would be great. even better if i could start my own publication oneday, since i just love to write. anyone got the idea how to start one?

on a totally different story ~ mom caught me crying yesterday after maghrib prayers. my emotion is practically hay wired. i miss my arwah amin. i don't want to leave my boys behind (read - i have to be away from home for 5 days and 4 nights immediately naik keje). i think of too much things, that things get out from my hand. mom consoled me, telling me that i can't behave this way. kesian dekat arwah amin, seksa dia di kubur. i don't know till when i'll still cry over my lost. sometimes, i imagine, how my life would be if he makes it to the world? how hectic my life would be? how will he sound when he cries?

my mind is too hazy. i think it is reflected in my blog. sorry readers if my writing menharu birukan your mind as well. i'm just too serabut.

:: i visited him, finally ::

forgot to share a story.

i visited amin's grave yesterday morning. after 38 days he passed away, yesterday was the first time ever i visited his grave.

i miss him dearly. i shed my tears. i thought he's the one who'll recite doa at my grave. but it is the other way round.

my dear amin,
you'll always have a special place in mommy's heart. mommy loves you, and misses you dearly. so do daddy, and your two elder brothers. 38 weeks and 5 days with you is such a beautiful moment. you have brought extra joy to our small family, though it's a short time. mommy knows that you're in a better care.

sesungguhnya janji Allah itu Maha Benar. mommy prays we'll meet again in Jannah, and u'll guide me and daddy and the rest of us to Jannah, and we'll never be parted again. amin. amin ya Rabbal A'lamin.

ps : we'll be hosting Tahlil on 22nd January 2009 at Madrasah At Tarbiyyah, Jalan I, Taman Melawati after Maghrib Prayers. Muslims and Muslimahs are invited.

:: a month old loss ::

the loss turned one month old yesterday. but i have come into terms on the loss. insya Allah, with Allah's will both of us will become stronger to face it.

:: i pray, and i pray.. ::

afiq and adib is still napping.. am running out of idea of what to cook for them, as lately afiq's appetite is pretty poor.. he simply refuse to eat, and depends a lot on formulas.. i decided that today i'll only fry some fish bites and stam some vege for lunch.. hopefully, he'll eat.. adib on the other hand is doing ok..

i scrolled down my blog today, and feel amused of myself when i see the tickers.. haha.. 9540 and counting.. terasa ala² glamer, though apa la sgt kalau nak dicompare dgn other famous bloggers, che det for example.. hehe..

i've already put up a plan for jan after my confinement period.. wanna take the boys for outing.. pity them for thy have to stay home all the time.. paling jauh pegi pun either clinic or IL's house.. i believe that they are bored as much as i do.. but above all, there's one thing that i really want to do.. VISIT AMIN'S GRAVE.. i haven't got the chance to visit the pusara yet.. frankly speaking, i thought i am strong, but nah, i am not! i can't help myself peeping at other peep's newborn baby whenever i got the chance.. i have delivered twice, but i never got the chance to go home together with my baby.. first preggy, afiq and adib kena tahan kat wad sampai 3 weeks.. second preggy, he went home earlier than me.. to a better place than mommy's arms..

i pray, and pray that Allah will never close the chance for meto conceive again..
i pray, and i pray that Allah will give me a better replacement to dull the sorrow..
i pray, and i pray that Allah will give me the strength to keep on moving..
i pray, and i pray that Allah will always surround me with people who loves me unconditionally..
i pray, and i pray that Allah wll give nothing but the best for me and family..
amin ya Rabbal 'Alamin..

O Allah, please give me the strength to move on..
please guide me with hidayah..
amin

:: afiq, adib, amin ::

i've been wanting to jot this in my blog.. but i always forget to do so..

afiq and adib is now approaching their 17 months.. how time flies! cepat kan? and they now have developed their very own identity, (those who have facebook account can always judge it in the piccas)..

since now i dalam pantang, i follow all those ritual melayu pretty religiously that includes pakai benda yang tepek² atas kepala tuh.. (minus naik kereta, jalan² sometimes, tak pakai sweater, socks pun nipis saje) haha.. first time pakai tuh during this confinement, afiq tgk terus geli geleman nak pegang/sentuh kepala mommy dia.. he even makes faces yang dgn jelasnya cakap 'eeeeee.. yek! geli!' saba jek kan? and he'll only touch my forehead freely bila dah petang, after i took shower.. tu pun during the first few days, he'll examine my forehead really carefully before he touches it.. punya la penggeli.. even rumput pun tamau pijak, okay? not to mention kekadang suruh bukak baju dia and salin sbb basah..

sometimes, it makes me wonder, perangai penggeli sapa la anak aku dapat nih.. recently, baru la teringat.. dulu masa pregnantkan bebudak kembar tuh, aku kuat membebel kat opis.. cukup pantang pantry kotor.. (pardon me yeah, i dok sebelah pantry, so kalau ada sisa peninggalan yang dah berhari², baunya sangat harum!) agaknya dari situ la kot turun perangai tuh.. what to do?

adib on the other hand, jenis sempoi sket.. tapi si adib nih kalau bab pakai baju, kalau dah tuck in tuh boleh maintain jek tuck in.. despite he's more lasak than afiq.. (afiq tak suka tuck in.. dia selalu suruh org keluarkan baju dia).. suka sgt pakai kopiah, and macam faham jek that that day is a special day kalau kena pakai baju melayu.. ;D (talking of which, mana la aku nak tempah baju melayu bebudak nih for nazrin's wedding.. my staff tpt i tempah baju melayu bebudak nih dulu dah transfer, and yaya - my school buddy pun nak pindah to arab following her hubby)

the boys skang dah banyak pick up new things.. dah pandai buat gaya ayam dok kepak² bila i sebut chicken.. tapi bila sebut ayam tak plak paham.. heh.. apa lagi ek? banyak sgt la new progress diorang.. dah mula cakap few things.. dah kena marah.. in short, i feel so lucky and blessed to be granted with twin boys.. sbbnya so interesting to see them growing up, and spot the differences despite growing up in the same womb..

yesterday petang, i asked my hubby to drive past by amin's grave.. ntah la.. smalam hati sayu sgt rasa.. teringatkan pada arwah amin.. hubby pun skang almost every weekend/public holiday akan pergi pusara amin.. smalam he told me, he cried at amin's grave sbb rindu sgt pada dia.. he said he can still remember all details about our third son.. kalau the dad rasa macam tuh, can u imagine the mom?

yesterday night plak, si adib plak tak sihat.. rock him gently to sleep sambil urut² kepala dia.. dia wheezing sket smalam, that i have to ask my other half to return to our house amik inhaler.. dah lama tak kena.. agaknya partly contributed by the construction yang dkt ngan umah my mother kot.. slept by his side, and terjaga tengok² dia dah merengek turun dari katil.. sian dib dib..

tu jek la for today.. panjang dah nih type.. take care all.. bubbye!

:: suddenly...... ::

yesterday, after days of being strong and calm, i broke down again.. i suddenly remember the days when i was pregnant with amin.. i suddenly miss those sweet, short moments with him.. remembering his kicks.. remembering his sommersault acts that astonished me and hubby..ntah la.. in short i miss him dearly!

sometimes, it came to my mind, that things may turned out differently should the dr admit me on the day of A&C..but i know i can't think that way.. as Allah has decided what, where, when and how will it take place.. hubby always reminded me, that even if we had gone for double check up like w did in my first preggy, if Allah has destined it that way, it will happen that way.. i have to let amin go.. i have to redha dengan pemergian dia..

sometimes, i feel guilty of planning to go to holiday and such after this tragedy happened.. but i know life must go n, and i can't forever live in misery.. i have to look at the future instead, rather than thinking too much of what had happened, for it can't change a thing! it won't bring amin back to my arms, even if i cried a river!

i know i need a getaway.. and we're planning for it.. at first, we planned it to be a lil bit far from home.. but after considering the BIG DENT.. ;) we decided to have a simple, humble holiday..

since we're planning to be in jitra on the eve of CNY to attend hubby's cousin wedding, we decided to stop by cameron highland for a short stay.. just to run away from the hustle of the city.. hope afiq and adib will behave well on the long journey as we don't intend to bring the maid along.. because we want to connect with the boys.. mommy has to pack lotsa toys to entertain the boys for the ride.. hopefully we can tame them off in the carseats.. (crossing my fingers)

i'm now on my 23rd day of confinement (how time flies!).. tomorrow, my lil bro aka falah will return to dubln for work.. the boys will definitely miss him..

okayla, afiq dah mula kacau mommy kat pc nih.. take care all.. bye