Sunday, December 14, 2008

:: 38 minggu 5 hari nan indah ::

it all started when we had our lunch in tanglin, near Dayabumi.. i only had laksa penang while hubby had ikan pari bakar.. on the way back, the smell of 'hanyir' ikan hit my nose, and i started to feel dizzy.. it triggered me somehow.. 'could i be pregnant?' since i've missed my mensus.. which i thought was normal since i just had my c-sect and my mensus are in chaos..

i later hit the pharmacy and grabbed a test kit.. early next morning, i ran the test, and YEAP! two lines appeared.. we were overjoyed as we knew how hard it was for me to conceive normally.. i later went to clinic, and on 22nd april 2008, it was confirmed that i was 6 weeks pregnant..

i went through all ANC as per scheduled, and pregnancy seemed to be smooth and ok.. i didn't suffer severe morning sickness, and mengidam pun tak lah teruk mana.. almost all my mengidam, hubby tolong dapatkan.. except the very final one.. which we tak sempat nak dapatkan..

after weeks of prgnancy, i finally went for the last check up on 10th of december 2008.. the ultrasound, the scan, the heartbeat was fine.. and in fact the dr confirmed that i could deliver normally.. i'm so happy, and yes, i can't wait for my boy to b in my arm..

the normal day of 10th december.. we went for medical check up, and later settled my road tax and shopped for food for the two boys.. grabbed some fruits from our favourite stall in front of deen's restaurant.. later head to carrefour for normal grocery shopping.. before we headed home, i bought some prosperity burger for m and hubby as dinner of the day..

we were pretty exhausted, that we decided to ehad home in andaman ukay pretty early that night, just to find that our house was in the dark, as the electricity was cut off.. we were too tired to think that we decided to return back to my mom's and slept there..

both me and hubby had an early night.. but as the clock strucked midnight, my night became restless.. i started to feel the contraction.. till it came in 10 mins apart that i was sure i'm in labour, we headed to the hospital.. pretty excited and nervous i was.. 'i'm delivering, finally!'

arrived at the hospital at around 2.30am.. as usual, the nurses did the normal check up.. the opening was only 2cm.. and i still have no sign of bleeding nor water leakage.. but the nurses found it hard to locate my baby's heartbeat.. they decided to call the dr in, for further investigation..

the dr came in, and i was wheeled to the dr's room for ultrasound.. and out of sudden, the dr said, 'unbelievable!' i was pretty vain to interprete the dr's words.. until the dr finally typed 'no fetal heart activities' on the screen, that the fact finally sank in into mine and hubby's mind that we have loss our unborn son.. the dr pulled hubby aside and started to explained.. and i was left there, crying my heart.. 'how could this happened??'

i still have to go through the normal labour.. i still habe to deliver my baby.. but my baby is now soul-less.. i can't describe how empty my feeling.. yes, i mmg jadik macam orang sasau that day.. crying and shouting, hoping for miracle to happen, that finally my baby will wake up and cries.. but it never happened..

i was given epidural to help me manage the pain.. i delivered one of the most handsome boy i have ever seen in my life at 12.20noon, normally..but i can't keep my tears from bursting when i first saw my baby - all blue.. lying motionless.. i will never forget that sight, that moment for the rest of my life..

we named him abdullah amin fahmi.. amin was later being cleaned up by the nurses.. he wore the pyjama that hubby bought in UK, specially for him.. we wrapped him with the new white thermal blanket that i bought for him.. he was then being placed in my arms, for the first time.. i can't helped it.. i cried my heart out.. hubby shed his tears.. our bundle of joy sudah dipanggil menghadap Ilahi..

he looks like afiq very much.. he got afiq's nose, mouth, face shape.. but he got adib's hair.. his fingers are slim and long.. and he's pretty fair.. he's one tall guy, measuring 51 cm top to toe..

the precious 30 mins with him, can never be erased from my memory.. should this be a dream, i wanted to wake up as fast as possible to end this nightmare.. but no, this is teh reality that my hubby and i have to face.. he was then being brought to my mom's place for burial.. i was left alone in the labour room, weeping.. i pray to Allah to give me the strength to face this dugaan.. i pray to Allah, to give me a replacement better than Amin after this..

he is buried at Tanah Perkuburan Islam Klang Gate before Asar on 11th December 2008.. my hubby said, it was heartbreaking for him to put Amin dalam liang lahad sendiri.. it was heartbreaking to see amin for the last time that moment..

yes, Amin has left us, with 1001 memories.. i still remember his kicks in my tummy.. i'll still remember the short joy he brings to this small family of mine.. kami redha dengan pemergian Amin.. kami tahu ada malaikat yang sedang menjaga Amin.. kami tahu, amin sedang berada di tempat yang jauh lebih baik dari dakapan kami.. amin tidak sempat merasa setitik pun air susu mommy.. tapi tak apa.. mommy yakin, amin sekarang dilayan jauh lebih baik dari jagaan mommy.. mommy harap dan mommy doa, amin akan tunggu mommy & daddy di depan pintu syurga untuk sama² pimpin kami ke syurga..

mommy rindu amin, itu pasti.. tapi mommy kena tabah, sbb mommy masih ada urusan di dunia ini..

alfatihah.. untuk anak mommy sayang - abdullah amin fahmi bin ahmad rizal..

19 comments:

emi said...

sy dpt berita drpd reza..seriously terkejut..sy tumpang sedih..harap kak aishah n husband tabah..insya allah,amin akan tunggu kak aishah n husband satu hr nnt at the better place..al-fatihah to Amin..

~ shac ~ said...

sis, i am speechless.. and am very much feel like want to cry.. i know nothing i could say to ease the pain but just want u to know that, how i wish i culd be one of the shoulders for u to lean on.. seriously..
ps: u r lucky that at least there's one person who'd pray for you and hubby's way to syurga...

sheri said...

InsyaAllah u will meet Amin, Sha. I pray that you are fine and I'm glad I got to read your blog and you updated it...Take care dear

Rhapsody said...

Aishah..be strong with the fate destined..Ada hikmah disebalik dugaan ni.The 2 lil guys tu need you. Yang dah pergi ni insyaallah di tempat dan dlm jagaan yg lebih sempurna.

Suzie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Suzie said...

my GOD!
aishah,we don't know it will end up like this.org ckp berat mata memandang,berat lg bahu memikul.

harap aishah diberi extra2 n more strength to face the fact.

my deepest condolence to aishah,ur hubby n the whole family.

take care dear...

Nisa said...

semoga kak aishah sekeluarga tabah..semua dugaan Allah ada hikmahnya.InsyaAllah akak akan dapat yg lebih baik.

FANORZIANA said...

takziah utk kak aishah... semoga terus tabah menghadapi dugaan.

lemongrass said...

Aishah,
The only words I can convey is to say how very sorry I am for your loss. I know it's not enough to dull the pain. My heart breaks for you and hubby upon hearing this terrible sorrow from Sheri. I hope you and Hubby and family will stay strong in this dark time and can slowly recover from it. Allah lebih menyayangi nya dan Amin definitely is in heaven.

mast@work said...

kak aishah, harap tabah dengan dugaan ini.. saya tak tahu nak cakap apa.. sedih sangat rasanya..

mommysarah said...

takziah yer, semoga arwah ditempatkan dikalangan orang yang beriman.

InsyaAllah...

amisah said...

berjumpa dgn akak hari tuh x sesedih membaca entry ni... i seriously couldnt't stop my tears from dropping :(

betapa kuatnya akak dan abg ahmad...

Aweng syukur akak dgn abg ahmad sangat tabah menghadapi dugaan-Nya yang sangat2 berat ni...

Allah Maha Mengetahui....

aishah zaharin said...

Sesungguhnya Allah Maha Mengetahui akan setiap sesuatu..

rindu pada Amin, it's for sure.. but knowing that he'll definitely be in Jannah, help me to manage the loss..

thank you all for all your kind words and prayers.. the tears masih belum kering, adatla.. there're still a moment or two in a day yang buat i teringat pada Amin..

semoga Allah bagi kekuatan pada diri i and hubby to face the dugaan.. and kami berdoa agar diberi ganti yang jauh lebih baik dari Amin bagi mengubat kesedihan.. amin..

niSamiR said...

i'm crying seriously after reading ur post...
i'm so sorry...
I'Allah Amin will b waiting for u all guys at better place there..i'Allah..

B strong..

NaZa said...

salam takziah aishah.. semoga tabah menghadapi dugaan... at 1st bile baca, xperasan plak psl ur baby, sbb ingat lambat lg bersalin. but bile 2nd time baca, rupanya.... anyway.. take care.

Nurul Hana Zakariah said...

kak aishah, u might not know me, but i'm Hana, Saiful's friend... Takziah kak.. smoga baby akak tuh skrg bahagia kat syurga... it's hard i'm sure for u and ur whole family.. hope u'll take it as a challange from Allah for u and ur family... I'm sure there's a hikmah behind everything kak.. But even though ur sad, smile kak..for Amin is now waiting for u in heaven and he'll welcome u with a smile on his face saying 'welcome mother..i've been waiting for you'... he'll be ur guardian angel kak.. ur lucky that our dear god loves u so much and He tests you with this... for He really loves u...i hope in the future, Allah will grant u more lovely kids and a happier family.. be strong kak... god bless..

aishah zaharin said...

hana - thank you..

undomesticwifey said...

this is my second time crying this month..

First when Zaidin told me about it when you're still in the hospital...an then now, when I read it from you. Tak sedar air mata menitik..

You're one strong woman Aishah.. A really strong one...

Keep praying, InsyaAllah you'll meet Amin one fine day..

Arni Yusnita Ahmad said...

kak aishah, thanks for the link. i feel u.Allah knows the best.