:: 38 minggu 5 hari nan indah ::

it all started when we had our lunch in tanglin, near Dayabumi.. i only had laksa penang while hubby had ikan pari bakar.. on the way back, the smell of 'hanyir' ikan hit my nose, and i started to feel dizzy.. it triggered me somehow.. 'could i be pregnant?' since i've missed my mensus.. which i thought was normal since i just had my c-sect and my mensus are in chaos..

i later hit the pharmacy and grabbed a test kit.. early next morning, i ran the test, and YEAP! two lines appeared.. we were overjoyed as we knew how hard it was for me to conceive normally.. i later went to clinic, and on 22nd april 2008, it was confirmed that i was 6 weeks pregnant..

i went through all ANC as per scheduled, and pregnancy seemed to be smooth and ok.. i didn't suffer severe morning sickness, and mengidam pun tak lah teruk mana.. almost all my mengidam, hubby tolong dapatkan.. except the very final one.. which we tak sempat nak dapatkan..

after weeks of prgnancy, i finally went for the last check up on 10th of december 2008.. the ultrasound, the scan, the heartbeat was fine.. and in fact the dr confirmed that i could deliver normally.. i'm so happy, and yes, i can't wait for my boy to b in my arm..

the normal day of 10th december.. we went for medical check up, and later settled my road tax and shopped for food for the two boys.. grabbed some fruits from our favourite stall in front of deen's restaurant.. later head to carrefour for normal grocery shopping.. before we headed home, i bought some prosperity burger for m and hubby as dinner of the day..

we were pretty exhausted, that we decided to ehad home in andaman ukay pretty early that night, just to find that our house was in the dark, as the electricity was cut off.. we were too tired to think that we decided to return back to my mom's and slept there..

both me and hubby had an early night.. but as the clock strucked midnight, my night became restless.. i started to feel the contraction.. till it came in 10 mins apart that i was sure i'm in labour, we headed to the hospital.. pretty excited and nervous i was.. 'i'm delivering, finally!'

arrived at the hospital at around 2.30am.. as usual, the nurses did the normal check up.. the opening was only 2cm.. and i still have no sign of bleeding nor water leakage.. but the nurses found it hard to locate my baby's heartbeat.. they decided to call the dr in, for further investigation..

the dr came in, and i was wheeled to the dr's room for ultrasound.. and out of sudden, the dr said, 'unbelievable!' i was pretty vain to interprete the dr's words.. until the dr finally typed 'no fetal heart activities' on the screen, that the fact finally sank in into mine and hubby's mind that we have loss our unborn son.. the dr pulled hubby aside and started to explained.. and i was left there, crying my heart.. 'how could this happened??'

i still have to go through the normal labour.. i still habe to deliver my baby.. but my baby is now soul-less.. i can't describe how empty my feeling.. yes, i mmg jadik macam orang sasau that day.. crying and shouting, hoping for miracle to happen, that finally my baby will wake up and cries.. but it never happened..

i was given epidural to help me manage the pain.. i delivered one of the most handsome boy i have ever seen in my life at 12.20noon, normally..but i can't keep my tears from bursting when i first saw my baby - all blue.. lying motionless.. i will never forget that sight, that moment for the rest of my life..

we named him abdullah amin fahmi.. amin was later being cleaned up by the nurses.. he wore the pyjama that hubby bought in UK, specially for him.. we wrapped him with the new white thermal blanket that i bought for him.. he was then being placed in my arms, for the first time.. i can't helped it.. i cried my heart out.. hubby shed his tears.. our bundle of joy sudah dipanggil menghadap Ilahi..

he looks like afiq very much.. he got afiq's nose, mouth, face shape.. but he got adib's hair.. his fingers are slim and long.. and he's pretty fair.. he's one tall guy, measuring 51 cm top to toe..

the precious 30 mins with him, can never be erased from my memory.. should this be a dream, i wanted to wake up as fast as possible to end this nightmare.. but no, this is teh reality that my hubby and i have to face.. he was then being brought to my mom's place for burial.. i was left alone in the labour room, weeping.. i pray to Allah to give me the strength to face this dugaan.. i pray to Allah, to give me a replacement better than Amin after this..

he is buried at Tanah Perkuburan Islam Klang Gate before Asar on 11th December 2008.. my hubby said, it was heartbreaking for him to put Amin dalam liang lahad sendiri.. it was heartbreaking to see amin for the last time that moment..

yes, Amin has left us, with 1001 memories.. i still remember his kicks in my tummy.. i'll still remember the short joy he brings to this small family of mine.. kami redha dengan pemergian Amin.. kami tahu ada malaikat yang sedang menjaga Amin.. kami tahu, amin sedang berada di tempat yang jauh lebih baik dari dakapan kami.. amin tidak sempat merasa setitik pun air susu mommy.. tapi tak apa.. mommy yakin, amin sekarang dilayan jauh lebih baik dari jagaan mommy.. mommy harap dan mommy doa, amin akan tunggu mommy & daddy di depan pintu syurga untuk sama² pimpin kami ke syurga..

mommy rindu amin, itu pasti.. tapi mommy kena tabah, sbb mommy masih ada urusan di dunia ini..

alfatihah.. untuk anak mommy sayang - abdullah amin fahmi bin ahmad rizal..