Tuesday, July 7, 2009

:: the selfish me ~ sha ::

i envy linie for being able to say things out freely in her entries. your heartbreaks, your frustration. but i just simply can't be like you, being firm and fairly straight when dashing out the gloomy emotions.

i do dish out my sadness, but only to my OH. marriage has seriously turned me 180degrees. aishah is no more a frank person, but rather, being reserving most, if not all the time. perhaps, over the time, being married to OH, has made me assimilated to his quality of keeping things to myself when being hurt or so. cuz portray me to have great sense of humor, teasing the yonger ones with stupid jokes, but the true thing cuz, i'm a great actress in my own league.

i was being portrayed as somebody who is selfish, macam Machiavelli yang menggunakan orang untuk kepentingan diri sendiri. i was said to have been using my mom to look after my kids when i was 7 months pregnant with arwah amin, when OH was away in ukraine. maidless at that time, i was single handed mananging my kids, and yes, i do ask help from my mom for i think she's the only one who can help me out temporarily. but boy, how wrong that i've been when that was the response that i get after a week or so staying at mom's. i was unsure whether that opinion originated from my mom or not. i have confronted her, asking whether it's true or not, but i never had a straight answer. perhaps, mom is trying to be neutral to everyone. she got so many hearts to look after, not mine alone. and yeah, till now, the comment is still haunting me, and made me to not involve her actively in looking after my kids anymore. i still park my kids at mom's, and will continue to do so, until the kids are big enough and managable with only a helper. am crossing my fingers that the kids won't be considered as bugs and pests to people's life.

after almost a year, i again faced the same situation. but this time around, i was said as a person who loves to barge in when things are executed. i was being said that i never wanted to get involve during the planning stage but rather commented when things dah jadi. i was said, using my kids as reasons for not getting my hand dirty, when the so called real fact was my maid was looking after my kids. people said that, my life should be easier when i have a helper looking after my kids, who does from anything to everything, from makan, to mandi to basuh berak anak, bla bla. i know u're starting to get confuse, but i don't want to understand either, for i just want to detoxify myself from this beautiful comments that simply make my eyes open wider on who i am actually.

yes, i admit that i get my maids to do errands for me. but only ERRANDS. i may not seem to do houseworks as people perceived, but what i give to my kids are affection, love and care, which is pure and true that is not reachable through any other people's heart. errands in my maid's job description would be - wash their poo poo, feed them up with the food that i cook mostly, and give them bath (occasionally, especially during weekend/hols, i'll do it all by myself), and others that need minimal affection. i read to my kids, i put my kids to sleep, i am the walking sleeper mixing up formulas at wee hours for my kids. i definitely don't tell you this, and you will definitely can't see this, for every mother is doing that. it's very unfair for saying life is much easier for i have a maid, and i definitely have some spare time to get involve with things. the true fact for that person to know, my sons don't have any other mother to look after them during the said time that i'm supposed to help with chores, but the house definitely have a bunch of people that can definitely lend a hand to help things out.

it's hard to be me. it's hard because nothing i do will satisfy either A or B. perhaps C as well. and maybe to Z too. i don't tell you what knickers and bras that i wear everyday - a simple way to say i don't tell you what problems that i'm facing daily, that affects my life. i crunched the bits to myself. so please spare the comments till you get the fact.

it's definitely time to move on. i no longer have nights at mom's, i'm residing at my humble home sweet home with my lovely kids, though OH is not around. it's tough, but definitely, 'ada manis yang tersembunyi.' alhamdulillah, life has been smooth. though i'm not well for the past 3-4 days, but afiq and adib behave so well, that makes all the house chores a breeze. i believe i don't bother anyone anymore. i'm happy and contented, and insya Allah if everything falls according to plan, i'll hang my duty coat as a government servant for a while to be with my OH in a far, faraway land, tagging along my kids with me. perhaps, absence will makes the heart grows fonder.

pardon me for my gloomy entry. maaf jika insan yang dimaksudkan terasa dengan entry ini. hidup penuh dugaan. hidup nih macam roda. what goes around comes around. wait till u be in my shoes, and perhaps then you will understand how my life has been so difficult with people like u. u may say that i'm a scared cow for not being able to say things face to face. i am. i'm just a complete shit who doesn't know her place and always have her nose around things. sorry for having to encounter a person like me in your life.

the selfish me,
sha


10 comments:

Dan Cinta Terbang Lagi said...

Dear Sha,
We may be some strangers destined by internet, but I feel you.
Been there, felt that and done that...
My own opinion,
bila marah and allows our emotion to rule
We say things to express how anger and hurtfull we are
Its understandable
But you are indeed right
What goes around will definitely comes around
However, if we are sincere enough
only prays for the good
for ourselves and others as well
with no hidden hatred or anger
God will love you more
and definitely give you more..
My 2 cent worth :)
Jaga diri ok.

Kak Hani @ Somethin Light

aishah zaharin said...

thanx kak hani. indeed it's true.

mast@work said...

kak aishah, orang tak faham kita, hanya kita sendiri yang lebih mengetahui.. persetankan lalat2 yang bising tu.. pejamkan aje mata.. buat apa yang patut dan buat dengan seikhlas hati.. insyaAllah, Allah pasti menemani mereka yang benar..

yatie chomeyl said...

mmg susah nk puaskn hati semua org kan? org yg xder dlm situasi kita xkan fhm apa yg kita rasa, though they claimed they do understand the situation. be strong dear and I hope the time when you reunite with ur
OH will heal all this pain :)

ayin1911 said...

Dear Capt,
Sabar bebyk eh..
dugaan tu ade hikmahnyer.
in a way mungkin nk bg hati ko lebih firm utk ikut ur husband ke uzbec.
*tetibe uzbec ni mcm disebut-sebut..rupenyer dr status fb my junior nk kesana juge ari ini.

amisah said...

pedulikan jek kak aishah cakap2 org yg dengki ni...
hanya kita tahu apa yg berada dalam hidup kita... org lain x paham... org tuh lupa kot...lain org lain nasib...
sabar eik kak....

::moi:: said...

dear sis esah..

kita mmg tak boleh puaskan hati semua org... apa yg kita bg selalu nampak tak cukup pada org... org selalu menilai org lain tapi tak fikir pun what if kita berada kat tempat org tu....

as long OH happy, your 2 cute little boy happy n sihat just let all the nonsense2 people ni.... u know urself better than anyone else...

chayo! chayo! kak esah...

p/s; hope u feel better

Jue Fauzi said...

you'll be strong aishah..worry not and insyaallah who made those comments will one day be in your shoes and then he/she will know. in the mean time i hope u'll get to be together soon..no matter where.

Asiah Abd Jalil said...

Entry ni terasa dekat dengan saya. Sesekali balik kampung, memang kita dilabel macam-macam. Bila kita sibuk dengan anak-anak, orang nampak macam kita sengaja nak larikan diri dari tolong-tolong kat dapur. Bila husband bantu kita uruskan anak-anak, dilihat macam kita isteri pemalas dan queen control.

Saya ada seorang makcik, she is an obstetrician. Kat belakang dia, masya Allah, gila-gila saudara-mara mengutuk. Sesekali dia balik kampung, ada-ada aje isunya yang nak dijadikan umpatan. Tapi dalam hati, saya tak bersetuju dengan kata-kata orang. Saya rasa, kalau orang tak berapa educated, insensitive, berfikiran kolot, memang akan rasa macam tu kat makcik saya.

Makcik saya exclusive breastfeeding semua anaknya. Of course every hour or two kena attend baby, kena masuk bilik, takkan nak breastfeed tengah-tengah ruang tamu. Saudara-mara nampak macam sengaja nak larikan diri dari tugas-tugas di dapur.

Makcik saya orang bandar, educated, PR bagus. Bila raya, dia pakai baju elok-elok, duduk di ruang tamu melayan tetamu yang datang, berbual. Saudara-mara nampak macam dia sengaja tak nak kotor-kotor basuh pinggan kat dapur. Saya tak nampak apa yang tak kena dengan peranan yang makcik saya mainkan tu. Bila tahun giliran dia tak balik beraya, takde siapa sanggup pergi depan layan tetamu sebab malas nak beramah mesra dengan orang tak kenal. Tetamu datang pun terasa terasing.

Makcik saya ni doktor pakar, of course sesekali mulut dia lancar aje menegur sesuatu. Tapi orang kampung memandang macam dia ni berlagak. Bila dia tegur, saudara-mara anggap macam dia pandai menegur aje, bukan nak tolong buat right from the beginning. Apalah salahnya timbangkan apa yang makcik saya tu cakap dari sudut positif. Dia bercakap dengan ilmu, bukan emosi.

Of course as a doctor yang kerja tak kira waktu, makcik saya ni ada maid, and her husband is very helpful too. Tapi saudara-mara dok mengata, sebab tu makcik saya tak reti buat kerja rumah, sebab senang-senang boleh suruh itu ini kat orang lain. Dalam kesibukan, makcik saya yang masak apa yang keluarga dia makan, maid cuma tolong suapkan anak-anak apa yang makcik saya masak, dan tolong kemas rumah. Itu pun orang nampak tak kena. Konon anak-anak dijaga oleh orang gaji. Bila balik kampung, boleh nilai sendiri, anak-anak makcik saya tu lebih rapat dengan makcik saya berbanding sepupu-sepupu diorang yang suka melawan cakap mak diorang.

Sekadar memberi beberapa contoh. Sebab tu saya kuatkan emosi setiap kali berdepan dengan orang yang suka mengata ni. Dia ada lifestyle dia, saya ada lifestyle saya sendiri. Dia ada value dia, saya juga ada my own value. Dia memandang dari sudut dia, saya juga ada pandangan dari sudut saya. Anggap aje kata-kata diorang tu macam bunyi langau kat telinga. Memang uncomfortable sebab bising, tapi tak cederakan kita apa-apa kan?

:-)

p/s: Muhammad Al Amin was healthily delivered at 9.37 pm, Sunday, 5th July 2009, Melaka.

aishah zaharin said...

asiah,

first and foremost, congratulations on your newborn AMIN. kalau ada rezeki kita dua, teringin sangat nak jumpa and pegang amin. mana tau tempias, cepat pregnant balik.

and thank you for the story. but i think, i'm still far behind from your beautiful aunty. masih terlalu banyak kekurangan diri yang perlu diperbaiki. harapnya, i won't be too sensitive after this. well, we look at things differently,so definitely akan ada disagreement along the line.

anyway, asiah, i think u should start thinking of using other provider e.g. blogspot ke wordpress ke rather than fster acc. dah lama betul tak masuk fs acc, tak dapat nak ikut ur entries.

take care. salam