Friday, February 6, 2009

:: i'm just too serabut ::

sleepy head, i am. the one mug of caffeine doesn't help much.

adib decided to wake up extremely early. they are early risers but today, adib is extra early. 2.30 am - he's wide awake! all thanx to the early sleep yesterday. he slept at around 6pm, as the surrounding was too exciting for him to catch his afternoon nap. (read ~ we brought them to the opthalmologist yesterday to check on the squint. afiq and adib has slight squint on the right eyes. i'm concerned takut they develop lazy eyes problem.)

so poor mommy has to stay awake to accompany him through out the early hours. only manage to perform my isyak prayer at around 4 am, after waking hubby up to look after adib for a while. then continue to look after adib and he fell asleep for like an hour or so before he decided to tell me that the day has began.

but anyway, i enjoyed it despite being sleepy. he smiled at me, he kissed my cheek, melting away all the tiredness and hurts that i've got during the day. i feel so contented and blessed! rugikan manusia yang tidak tahu menghargai dunia anak kecil? they're sucha a pure bliss. every breath, every minute, every milisecond is so meaningful. it'll never return back. they grow up every single day, living you nothing but memories. but memories can't be carved if you're not emotionally intact with the kids. that's why i'm willing to sacrifice my time just to be with my two boys. i practically don't have minutes on my own. my 24-7 is dedicated to the boys. i know i have to set aside some time for myself, to do some exercise, facial etc. but i simply just can't fit that in my daily routine. i at my best, always try to do those things when the boys are asleep, so that i won't lose a second with them. that's how i arrange my time.

2 months of confinement leave has made me much closer to my twin boys. i've been starting to feel the dreadfulness feeling to return to work. how i wish i could work from home. but with all the recession thingy, i know it's not the time yet to quit. plus i love the feeling of being financially independent. it's not because i love money that much, but it's more of security should anything bad happen to my partner, be it death, separation or whatever. business from home would be great. even better if i could start my own publication oneday, since i just love to write. anyone got the idea how to start one?

on a totally different story ~ mom caught me crying yesterday after maghrib prayers. my emotion is practically hay wired. i miss my arwah amin. i don't want to leave my boys behind (read - i have to be away from home for 5 days and 4 nights immediately naik keje). i think of too much things, that things get out from my hand. mom consoled me, telling me that i can't behave this way. kesian dekat arwah amin, seksa dia di kubur. i don't know till when i'll still cry over my lost. sometimes, i imagine, how my life would be if he makes it to the world? how hectic my life would be? how will he sound when he cries?

my mind is too hazy. i think it is reflected in my blog. sorry readers if my writing menharu birukan your mind as well. i'm just too serabut.

5 comments:

sheri said...

alamak dear. i sooo understand how it feels to be torn having to attend some stupid course and having to leave the kids behind. kalau bwk kids and maid ke, is it possible? i cn never leave them, i'll die ;p. no la, i'll miss my kids like crazy (just the tot of it la, never betul2 buat). i always try to wiggle my way out of courses. things like this. give all sorts of excuses not to attend. or bwk. cian u. it's hard u know, masuk2 keje je kena tinggalkan diorg. cian u and them.. wish everything will turn out fine for u dear. take care :)

aishah zaharin said...

nak bawak camana if it's a kenegaraan course, where i have to stay in a camp? huhu. sedey.

Rhapsody said...

sabar le Aishah..things will turn up fine..jgn worry too much at times..not good for u and also for the kids.a week is just a blink of eyes (betul kut I nye idioms nih)je if you're positive.do take it as the time for yourself though the activities may not be.good luck anyway.

nurhareza said...

hye kak.. sbr ye.. harap2 btn nti, leh bw phone.. btn skrg tak de la strict sgt.. atau, bw 2 hp, if ketua kem minta hp juga.. at least, akak ada satu lagi.. jgn risau, dorg tak kan wat spot check punya..

aishah zaharin said...

rhapsody~
actually i've lost interest in work. teramatla malasnya nak kerja sekarang. tambah pulak the two boys dah mula nak bercakap, n tengah keletah main. sayang nak tinggal. :D

reza~
bagus punya idea. tapi kan reza dulu masa akak gi btn kat ulu sepri, line pun takdak! hadeh. lemas kan?