:: fikiranku serabut ::

pretty tired, after returning from kota bharu, yesterday evening. i missed the boys so much, and was thinking of playing with my boys when i arrived home (7.00pm), just to find them ASLEEP. so tak dapat la mommy bermanja-manjaan dengan the boys. and this morning, they are still asleep when i dropped them at my mom's place.

anyway, hubby broke the news last 2 days. so far, verbally his boss dah instruct him to be transfered to a far, far away land. i, initially, have agreed to follow him (Read : amek unpaid leave for a year). but that was the initial plan. latest development, i've got to know that there's a high potential that numbers of junior engineers will be promoted to senior posts, insya Allah, should the re-org be approved. kalau ada rezeki, insya Allah, my name will be in, and again that leaves me with no other choice but to ask hubby to proceed with his job, and i stay behind in kl with the boys. promotion in government agencies are pretty rare, so i just simply can't let this opportunity fly away!

i'm torn in between. i want my career to advance, but at the same time, i want my husband to be around with the kids. the terms for his transfer is different. bukannya macam tukar base. kalau tukar base, every 2.5 months dapat cuti 2 minggu and all expenses paid to and fro homeland. tapi for his case, he's in attachment basis, which means there is no provision for him to return home for the whole period of posting (read till april 2010) unless being called back for meetings or courses. it leaves me thinking, what will happen to my boys?

as for now, i'm hoping that his transfer will be delayed and dragged for sometime, so that i could get a clearer vision on what will transpire next. hopefully, by then, i'll be able to perform istikharah, be given the hidayah and make the best decision for all.

frankly speaking, i'm afraid of being left behind. it's not because i don't trust him that he might be having affairs, but merely because, what has happened in the past. last year, during his long trips to far, far away land, i landed into a huge row and arguements with some relative who accuse me of using my mom to look after my two boys. i dikatakan menghambakan my own mom. frankly speaking, after that incident, i turned to someone who prefer to manage my boys on my own, as much as possible, no matter what. the words were harsh, and i was smacked down to smithereens. i was heavily pregnant at that time, and i know how much i depend on my maid and my mom due to the heaviness, but seems, that is not the reason to get help. masa lepas kena smash tu, memang i was thinking of either quitting my job or send my boys to the nursery so that i won't bother anyone. tapi as usual, my thoughts were denied by my own mom. it was not the first time i was being said so, but that was the second. sangat terguris hati & hurt. terasa macam tak boleh nak mintak tolong langsung sedangkan masa tuh i mengandung heavily (about 7-8 months pregnant). ibu² mengandung sure tahu macamana heavynya time tuh, and with two boys yang berumur 1 tahun 2 bulan, yang baru dapat bertatih, u can imagine how hard it was for me at that time to move around. well, that was the reason sebenarnya kenapa i nak berenti kerja. sampai sekarang, what that person said to me i pegang sampai bila², and makes me realize, that i cannot rely on anyone else to help me to jaga my own sons. and i berdoa banyak² pada Allah supaya i diberi umur panjang yang bermanfaaat so that anak² i won't bring any kesusahan to sesiapa sekalipun. that's why i don't really bother about the pantang larang. banyak gak yang aku langgar, and i hope it won't bring any harm to me in the future. sebabnya, aku tanak peluh org lain yang menitis sebab jaga anak aku tu dilabel menyusahkan. orang nak kata aku 'ketegaq' pun katalah, tapi trust me, hati ibu mana yang tak terguris bila anak² yang kita kandung tuh seolah² menyusahkan orang lain. tidak pernah terlintas dekat hati i nak biarkan my anak² macam tuh aje tanpa rasa kasih sayang dan didikan dari ibu dia sendiri. and that's why bila OH cakap on the possibilities, i mula terfikir balik what has happened, and i takut it will happen again. i tak tau apa yang kan jadi if it happens again. enough said, tamau la ingat lagi apa yang dah jadi, and tamau pikir lagi apa yang akan jadik. kalau ikut rasa sebu hati nih, banyak lagi nak tulis, tapi rasanya cukup la aku sorang jek yang makan. kenyang makan semua kata² tuh. and yes, i sekarang orangnya pendendam dan pemendam, and the only person that i can let everything out is only my OH, not even my own mom sebab takut nanti ada yang kata i membebani my mom dengan masalah i.

for now, i just want to ease my mind. tamau serabut². fokus kerja. take care all.