at the moment, around me, i'm surrounded by many expecting mothers (read : beautiful preggy women). i'm happy for them surely, but deep in my heart, there's something tickling me, making feel very uncomfortable. i can see the eagerness and excitement in their faces, and i know they're just like me before.
whenever i see the pics of newborn baby of my friends, it'll remind me the day we lost late amin. at times, i feel deja-vu. terasa dan teringat zaman mengandungkan arwah amin. like today, when i was having laksa for lunch. that was how it triggered me that i could've been pregnant a year ago.
yep, i'm not 100% over the loss yet, i guess. i've been praying, so do my OH, to Allah to give a better replacement than late amin. i knew he weeped the other night, 'teringatkan' arwah. but the beauty is, i didn't shed a tear. perhaps, Allah dah jadikan kami berdua untuk saling bergantungan antara satu sama lain.
i don't deny, that i'm afraid to be pregnant again. but at the same time, i want to get pregnant, and should i get pregnant again, this time round, i'm gonna make sure, i'll make double check up, just like what i did with the twin. call me paranoid, but at least i do something extra, not leaving behind any trail of 'what if?'
but like the cliche phrase says, 'life is a journey'. you'll definitely encounter bumpy roads, sharp bends, sweet smelling flowers, scenic mountain and thick bushes along the way. i've been through a lot in fertility related matters, and i know should be more than grateful, despite losing amin, i've been granted with adorable twin boys. life is far more meaningful with the presence of the boys. i still remember how empty and incapable i felt before having them.
in my life, i've encountered numerous kind of people. i believe so do u. there're gems, but there're germs as well. the gems, have helped me waded through the high tide and wave when i was about to suffocate, while the germs, not worth mentioning. there're times that i feel the hurt is intended, but some are just because of me -the plain jane herself being over sensitive.
over and over again, i hope and really, really hope the event of two lines appearing will come and visit me again. and yes - that's HPT test for those who kinda blank. (HPT - home pregnancy test)
15 comments:
insya-Allah kak.. those line will appeared again...
i'm sorry about your lost..
didn't know about arawah till i read ur blog..
be strong k..
take care =p...
Sha, insyaAllah... yang penting jangan berhenti berdoa dan berusaha ye. kay pun sedang berusaha jugak utk menambah ahli keluarga. and i also having the same problem - infertility - huhuu... cuma mampu berdoa supaya Allah mengurniakan zuriat yang soleh/solehah dan sihat... semua tu ujian, supaya kita lebih bersyukur dan tidak lupa kepadaNya... sabar ye, anda tidak keseorangan.
capt,
br nk tanye ape HPT tuh??hahaha..
be strong sis..ade hikmah disebalik setiap kejadian. u know this aite?
insya-allah..tuhan menguji tandanya Dia sayang dkt hambanya..
i truly hopes the 2 lines will bring joy and shed away the tears 4 both of u
jangan takut takut eh kak aishah...
insya Allah.. DIA lebih tahu...
InsyaAllah one day Allah will grant you your wish.For the time being, kita cuma boleh berdoa dan berusaha :-).
to all, thank you so much.
LG - i like the berusaha part. :P
I dulu pun doctor confirmed mandul, my ovary did not produce fertile eggs. Memang sakit jiwa, sampai sanggup korban studies, cita-cita nak jadi doctor sangkut macam tu aje. Lagi sedih, I terpaksa buat perjanjian dengan parents in law, if within 5 years of marriage I tak conceive, I akan izinkan my husband kahwin lagi satu. Yes, tak semua orang memahami apa yang kita go through.
Tapi kuasa Allah mengatasi segala-galanya. Now I am in my fifth pregnancy! Sampaikan my parents in law pulak suruh jarakkan anak sebab kerap sangat mengandung. Kawan-kawan yang berlagak sebab bunting pelamin, lepas first or second baby dah susah nak pregnant lagi. I pulak, tiap-tiap tahun kena pakai baju mengandung. Itulah kuasa dan kasih sayang Allah.
My point is, banyakkan berdoa dan bergantung harap pada Allah. Semuanya di tangan Allah. I jalani several fertility treatments, semuanya failed, until I gave up. Lastly, I cuma berdoa dan berdoa tak henti-henti. Kuatkan keyakinan kita bahawa Allah takkan menzalimi hamba-hamba-Nya yang soleh dan solehah.
thanx asiah. love ur thoughts.
u're very right, who are we to question Allah's will and power.
it does help lifting my spirit up.
itu namanya kasih sayang kita pada dia sha, walaupun dah takde, kita masih akan ingat. *hugs*
2 lines or not, janji kita berusaha babe ... hihihi. Me, walaupun still rasa macam takut takut nak melahirkan lagi sekali, will secretly feel sangat frustrated bila period datang tepat every month. *sigh*
I guess being a mother tak kira first second third fourth walaupun ke sembilan kali, is STILL very much a joyous affair kan...
nard - i know u lovvveee the 'berusaha' part.
* usaha menggembirakan diri seniri. :D
marilah kita sama-sama teruskan berusaha dan berdoa.. insya Allah kita pasti berjaya!
*sigh- bile la ek? huhuhu:(
cliche but true - whatever doesn't kill u makes u stronger. so worry not. :)
lotsa love,
ur cutest cuz :)
linie - i agree with you.. but not the last part. that belongs to me!!!!!!!!!! hehe
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