:: 200th post - a tribute to my late son, abdullah amin fahmi ::

3 months ago, this time, this date.. i was in the labour room, going through the labour process to deliver my third son, amin fahmi. (that was the initial name that we have think off, but i requested hubby to add abdullah later because he was the selected one.) but the delivery process is a special one, i'm delivering a stillborn baby, who passed away few hours short before his so called birthday.

it has never been easy to forget the tragedy. at times, i could just simply stare to the blank walls, replaying the memories with him. his sommersaults in my tummy, cravings that i had when carrying him, the labour room, the dr's room, the a&c. it's all beautiful moment with him.

during my pregnancy with him, i always think how am i going to cope with 3 kids. i always feel afraid that i might not be able to do my best, losing my patience, etc. but the day my other half took him from my arms in the labour room, after spending my only bonding session with him, i feel completely lost. i feel miserable, i feel lonely, i feel i actually haven't done my best to take care of him, when actually i should know that Allah has a better plan for him and me.

he brought a short joy to my life. i accidentally called afiq as amin, as he looks so much alike. i'll never forget the softness of his skin. his beautiful long fingers. he's one tall guy if he made it to this world.

i haven't finish packing his stuff that i've bought to receive him. they are all still in the 'labour bag' that i packed months ago before i deliver. the only thing that i've sealed in a clear plastic bag was his only pyjama that he wore the day he was born and passed away, his white thermal blanket, his long sleeve t-shirt that the other half bought in UK with 'little brother' on it, and passed down MU jerseys from his twin brothers.

i miss him every minute of my life. he's part of me. today, insya Allah, his pusara will be ready. we've bought the tree to be planted to his grave. i want it to be perfect for him.

i always pray to Allah to let me meet him back in jannah. i always pray to Allah, that all of us, me, hubby, and all my children will meet again in jannah, where we'll never be parted again.

i always pray to Allah to be given a better replacement of him. and i always pray to Allah that amin will be taken care of perfectly in alam barzakh. and i always pray to Allah, not to take any of my child anymore. that's my doa.

my weekend schedule has changed abruptly after his passing. visiting his grave every weekend in the morning is our priority. where we run away from his brothers for a while to spend some quiet quality time together reciting yassin at his grave. yes, i'm now a frequent visitor at tanah perkuburan klang gate. i made it a point as much as i can to use this route to and fro office, so that i could always peek at his grave. that helps me to manage my rindu.

i miss him dearly. i can never deny that. but knowing there are many other people who were tested more than me, makes me feel contented. i should bersyukur with what i have. i have to paint what i have well, so that they will also meet their brother in jannah.

for now, just let me immerse myself with the memories i have with my beloved amin.